God’s Promise

“I had been waiting for this day for a long, long time. The day the curse is lifted, the day the anxiety and paranoia dwindle away, the day the underlying issues are resolved, the day the heavy weight in my chest is removed, the day I breathe a sigh of relief after holding my breath for what seemed like an eternity, the day the blissful peace returns to my soul. Today, that day has come. I’m free at last. ‘Be patient, for indeed, the promise of Allah is true.’ ”

-Nora Ammar

An Autumn Secret

Past nightmare
Traces of the scare
Scarcely survived
Barely alive
Anxious, empty, praying
Autumn branches swaying
 
Fate, unexpected
Secret, unsuspected
My heart laughed
Merry time passed
New life, golden and dear
Slayed the stubborn fear
 
Warm fatherly eyes
Safe— silenced the cries
Smug teenage smile
May I stay a while?
Found my confidence and glee
Because you believed in me
 
I see, in fact
Beyond that boastful act
Beautiful soul
Tender and whole
My affection– a radiant glow
You will never know
 
Forbidden on four levels
Trick of the devils
Even when I say goodbye
This love will never die
Like a buried treasure
You’re my secret forever

Wingless Angel

Once in a millennium
The heavens dance in welcome
As the planets twirl and sway
And the stars make way
For a special soul to descend
To Earth— a godsend
 
Do human angels exist?
I think I met one, I insist
Intelligent, soft-spoken and shy
A magnificent, fragile butterfly
A heart so pure it shakes the skies
Reflected in those dark, innocent eyes
 
Her sacrifices— I cannot count
Her forgiveness— beyond any amount
A silent sufferer
Full of love; a giver
Imperfect, but perfectly so
An angelic human, you know
 
So believe me, when my heart sings
That not all angels have wings 

Dear New Giza University

You gave me a grueling six years
Painted with laughter and tears.
Melodies of highs and lows,
Tales of triumphs and blows.  
Yet the priceless lessons learned
Are worth every flame that burned.  
Despite the bitterness I knew,  
I must say, thank you, NGU
For the moments— happy and sad,
For the memories— good and bad.

Anime: Weird Japanese Cartoons?

When I was in middle school, anime (or Japanese animated shows), was a virtually unknown phenomenon. Even those who were vaguely familiar with it typically had something like this in mind: “Oh, you mean those weird Chinese cartoons? Who even watches those?” The “cool kids” definitely didn’t. To me, and to many others like me, anime was our own secret universe. It provided a haven— an alternate, much more fascinating and enchanted reality— for the introverts, the outcasts, the peculiars and the geeks who weren’t interested in a shallow, dreary social life and longed for a thrilling, magical, adventurous escape from this mundane, ordinary world. There was an unspoken rule at my school: whatever you did, you did NOT admit that you watch anime. Only the “losers” were into such outlandish things, after all. We few fans were hidden, revealing ourselves solely once we became certain that the person in front of us is a fellow anime enthusiast. It felt like we were members of an underground movement, constantly cautious about exposing our identities, continuously on the lookout for signs of people who shared our views and passions. Sometimes, a little clinking keychain of an anime symbol would give it away. Or a glimpse of a doodle of an anime character in a notebook. Discovering another anime devotee was always a delightful experience. “I finally found someone like me!”, we would internally squeal. Despite being the quiet kids, meeting each other would mean instantly transforming into chatterboxes, overjoyed to be able to rant about what we love. 

Fast forward to today, and anime has exploded into a popular trend. Now, it is quite rare to meet a person who hasn’t heard about this Japanese wonder. Countless individuals of all ages, personalities, and ethnicities find entertainment in it. Celebrities dress up like the characters, and rappers make references to them in their songs. Netflix streams the series, and cinemas across the globe play the movies. Social media is jam-packed with witty anime memes. Large-scale events dedicated to anime take place worldwide, and stores everywhere sell the merchandise. To our pleasant surprise, the otaku (a Japanese word that is used to refer to anime fanatics) culture has become widespread. As much as I relish sharing the joy and zeal of this beautiful marvel with the world, part of me will always feel nostalgic about the days when it was our little secret, when people who enjoyed anime did so out of true love and not for the mere sake of hopping on the bandwagon. We social misfits and castaways will forever be the first true anime freaks. 

        You might be wondering, what is so special about anime anyway? Besides the captivating and unparalleled art style, animation, music, and voice acting, which spectacularly bring the characters to life, Japanese people have a unique way of storytelling that keeps us on the edge of our seats, stirs our emotions, and moves us in indescribable ways. It’s truly addictive. From anime are born some of the most inimitable and remarkable characters, whose profound struggles and stories touch our hearts and greatly inspire us. Many of these characters are so well-written that we feel as if we personally know and adore them, as if they’re precious friends we’ve bonded with since long ago. Contrary to what the majority assume, anime is not childish— far from it. In fact, most of the shows are not even child-oriented and actually target a teenage or adult audience. A multitude of deep and thoughtful themes such as war, politics, poverty, loss, death, betrayal, vengeance, justice, family, friendship, love, adventure, dreams, destiny, growing up, work ethic, and tenacity are explored. Similar to Western TV series and other media, anime comprises a variety of diverse genres, including romance, sports, slice of life, horror, mystery, fantasy, isekai (where a character is transported to another world, e.g., a virtual world), and mecha (a subgenre of science fiction that features robots). Anime is also classified according to demographics. For example, shoujo anime are directed at young girls, while shounen anime are aimed at young boys. Through allowing ourselves to delve into these incredible tales outside of our own reality, not only do we enjoy enthralling, soul-stirring stories and connect with extraordinary, awe-inspiring characters, but we develop depth, empathy, introspection, critical thinking, problem-solving skills, and the ability to imagine and create— as well as learn valuable life lessons. Anime allows us to live vastly different lives, visit myriad dazzling realms, go on numerous life-changing journeys, meet various influential people, and undergo exceptional experiences the real world cannot possibly allow us to encounter. Sure, all of fiction enables this for us, but I would argue that anime has its brilliant aspects that one will never come across in other works. Not to mention the educational value it contains— informing one a great deal about Japanese language and culture. 

        How about a little history lesson? The very first anime series, Astro Boy, was produced in 1963. Since then, anime began airing on Japanese television and hit a peak of popularity during the 1980s, becoming the largest film industry in the country (“The History of Anime”). How did Japanese animation reach the rest of the world? Well, the 1990s saw anime spreading to other regions of the globe, as series were translated and broadcast across multiple countries. Many shows such as Dragon Ball (1986), Sailor Moon (1992), Digimon (1999), and One Piece (1999) became universally well-known. Places like Akihabara in Tokyo, said to be otaku heaven, sprung up. Much like how books are adapted into movies, most anime is based on manga, or Japanese comics. Osamu Tezuka, the manga artist of Astro Boy, is considered the father of modern manga (“A Small Glimpse into the History of Japanese Anime”).

        Curious about anime and would like to give it a try? Here is my personal recommendation list of must-watch shows for beginners that are bound to get you hooked:

• Attack on Titan  
• Death Note  
• Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood  
• Code Geass
• Haikyuu!!  
• Naruto

Works Cited

“The History of Anime.” Milford Library, https://milford.lib.de.us/2020/04/17/the-history-of-anime/.

“A Small Glimpse into the History of Japanese Anime.” Go! Go! Nihon, 24 Oct. 2018, https://gogonihon.com/en/blog/a-small-glimpse-into-history-of-japanese-anime/. Accessed 17 Dec. 2021. 

Realm of Magic

I feel great pity for those who believe that fiction is mere superficial entertainment and are missing out on one of the most remarkable gifts of the human mind and soul. Fiction is the magical realm from which imagination and creativity are cultivated. Through allowing ourselves to delve into profound tales outside of our own reality, not only do we enjoy fascinating, soul-stirring stories and connect with unique, awe-inspiring characters, but we develop depth, empathy, critical thinking, and the ability to imagine and create, as well as learn valuable life lessons. Fiction allows us to live vastly different lives, visit countless dazzling worlds, go on numerous life-changing journeys, meet various influential people, and undergo extraordinary experiences reality cannot possibly allow us to encounter. I have read innumerable books, both fiction and nonfiction, and I swear that novels have taught and given me what nonfiction never could have, and changed and inspired me in ways nonfiction never could have. And to those who consider anime to be silly, childish cartoons, let me remind you that anime is produced by Japanese people, the geniuses of the Earth. (Japan is ranked as the number one most intelligent nation, based on the average of three indicators: number of Nobel prizes won, current average IQ, and school test ranking. Now I know that these parameters are not absolute and are biased, but let’s not get philosophical— this is the best objective measure we have). Anime has its exceptional aspects that one will never find in other works of fiction. People who belittle anime only do so because they lack the depth and intellect to appreciate it. And I guess that's okay, because anime and fiction are not meant for shallow people.

Haikyuu Haiku

Set, spike, score; high five!

Oikawa and Iwa-chan

Dauntless forever

Alive

“I am only truly alive in fiction. My heart solely beats when I watch anime, my lungs exclusively breathe when I read books. In the fictional world, my soul soars with pure ecstasy I can never experience elsewhere.”

-Nora Ammar

Nostalgia

“What I wouldn't give to return to my childhood, to the world I loved and where I belonged. Nostalgia is by far my most frequent and intense emotion— a constant companion—, my memories are my most precious treasure, and my past is my happy place.”

-Nora Ammar

The Empath and the Misanthrope

“I am a misanthrope.

I am an empath.

This contradiction in my personality is not a conflict but a coexistence.”

-Nora Ammar

The Demon Inside You

It is deeply problematic, egotistical, and detrimental to call oneself “an angel.” When one does so, he/she completely loses her/his empathy. People who consider themselves angels develop a strong victim mentality that hampers their ability to exercise compassion and understanding. In every conflict, these individuals persistently see themselves as innocent sufferers and the other party as the guilty perpetrator. They are literally unable to perceive otherwise and are solely concerned with their personal distress. Incapable of and unwilling to put themselves in others’ shoes in an effort to grasp alternate points of view, they are blind to all perspectives but their own. In their eyes, they are constantly “good” and “right,” and everybody else is always “evil” and “wrong.” They cannot even fathom the possibility of being blameworthy. Contrary to what they believe, these people are not angels at all— they are self-pitying, arrogant, selfish, and self-righteous.  

None of us are angels. We are humans. Sometimes, we are kind, loyal, and generous. At other times, we are hostile, greedy, and treacherous. Hence, labels are dangerous and flawed. There are no “good” and “bad” people. That’s black-and-white thinking. There are only humans who act virtuously in certain situations and maliciously in others; there are simply people who make both deliberate and unintentional mistakes. There is a devil lurking inside every one of us, and being unaware of this demon is bound to torment those around us as well as our own selves.

Before we are quick to give ourselves the victim tag and judge others as malevolent, let’s stop for a moment and question our assumptions. Am I honestly the victim here? Am I the only one who’s been hurt? Is this person truly terrible? Is what they said or did genuinely cruel? Do they have different views, beliefs, values, and/or personality than mine that may justify their behavior? Might they be experiencing an adversity or dealing with circumstances that I’m unaware of? Is it simply natural for them to respond in this manner? What would I have done if I was in their position? Have I acted in an identical fashion when faced with a similar situation in the past? Am I being a hypocrite? Might this be a mere misunderstanding? Could this individual’s harm have been unintended? Is it really fair to hold them responsible? How might my words and actions have affected them? How would I feel if I was in their place and someone treated me the way I treated them? Could I be the one at fault? Can I forgive this fellow human being?

“Treat others the way you want to be treated.” It’s the Golden Rule we all learn and memorize by heart in elementary school, but how many of us actually abide by it as adults? Please; let’s stop with the self-pity and self-centeredness and begin to sympathize with others instead.

Shunned Hero

Stony scarlet eyes                                                  

Soft spirit in disguise

Veiled the vile lies

Anent the clan’s demise      
Traitor, they declare

Tell me why, I swear

Tears seeped there

From that cruel crimson stare

Shunned hero, gracious and great

Are you truly fine with this forlorn fate? 

Criminal who slayed

Anguished; dismayed

Exorbitant price paid

For peace to be made

Unseen honor; exposed disgrace

Tell me why, if guilty is his case

There’s an image I can’t erase

He died with a smile on that grim face

Shunned hero, gallant and great

Will you sleep soundly, swallowing this tragic fate?     

Inner warmth; outer wickedness

Concealed kindness; apparent coldness

Compelled to cast aside his conscience

Mission of ruthlessness

Bloodstained hands in the moonlight

Red as fierce as his glare of spite

Yet the true victim of that plight

Was the lonely silhouette in the gloomy night      
Shunned hero, glorious and great

Will you be at ease, accepting this heartrending fate?

Bloody clouds blotted the inky skies

Band of shadowy cloaks became allies

Dusk filled with the crows’ cries

As the sun set, never to rise

Down a path of desolation

Melancholy; damnation

Destination of devastation

Situation of no salvation

Shunned hero, was your mind set?

Certain this is a choice you won’t regret?      

Soul wept silently

Burden borne patiently

Wore a mask of pretend

Performed the act until the end

Mindful of the ramifications

No appreciation; no compensations

Forever abominated

Legacy tainted

Shunned hero, must you have done this?

Plunged into this bottomless abyss?

Forsaken for eternity

Truth effaced from history

Saved the village from affliction

Ensured a precious one’s protection

Who pursued him with vengeful intentions

Conscious of the cost yet followed through

As long as harmony would ensue

It didn’t matter whether they knew

Shunned hero, goodhearted and tender

My heart aches for your noble surrender

Like a strawberry poison-dart frog

Splash of red and black on a log

Infamous for being venomous

Cold-blooded and dangerous

But we utterly fail to notice

What’s hidden beneath the surface

This creature’s real beauty

Extreme care for its family

Benefits its home— small insects and plants

By eliminating predatory mites and ants

Remarkable hero, most extraordinary I’ve known

Carried the world’s weight on your own

May you now rest evermore

After successfully averting the war

Isn’t this what you suffered for?

I wish the outcome was worth the pain                         

I pray your sacrifice was not in vain

I will endlessly admire

That icy gaze of fire

Burned into my mind

Bittersweet memory— one of its kind

This is a story of butchery

That brought about amity

Tale of a dark dove

A hero to love

Haven in Heaven

Since a young age, I’ve had a feeling that I didn’t belong in this world. Something about this mundane reality just didn’t appeal to me. I couldn’t understand humans, mainly adults, and their dull, stressful lives and materialistic desires. I couldn’t grasp why people chase after meaningless wants like money and prestige and are even willing to harm others for the sake of attaining them. For that reason, I decided early on that I didn’t want to grow up and become a part of this superficial culture of adults. I decided that I preferred living in the jolly, carefree realm of childhood forever. Therefore, I became determined to not allow myself to transform into one of those greedy, impulse-driven creatures. Of course, maturation is inevitable, but I have indeed retained my childish, happy-go-lucky side, and I continue to perceive most adults as foreign and incomprehensible. Wealth, fame, romance, sex, alcohol, drugs, partying, and other worthless inclinations that most people spend a good portion of their lives seeking the pleasure of never have and never will interest me in the least bit. These shallow cravings provide me with no joy whatsoever. Even social life, with all its energy-draining drama, senseless gossiping, hours upon hours wasted on useless conversations and idle chatter, and gatherings that revolve around overspending and stuffing oneself with unhealthy junk, doesn’t satisfy me. I am far, far deeper than that.

I have always believed that out there must exist something grander for eccentric folks like me. There must be more to this universe than hollow lives led by short-term whims and wishes. Somewhere, there ought to be a place with greater profoundness, meaning, and splendor— an extraordinary world beyond this ordinary one. My heart has always sought a much more fascinating and enchanted domain. Thus I constantly hunted for exceptional stories of adventure and thrill and tales of unique, remarkable characters that touched my heart and stirred my emotions in awe-inspiring ways. I repeatedly indulged myself in other universes to escape this dreary reality. Most of my life was spent immersed in incredible worlds of fiction through books, anime, movies, and my own written narratives, in which I could find the enthralling, magical lands I longed for. Not to mention that I have always found the natural environment and animals far more tranquil and contenting than the obnoxious society of humans. Fiction and nature are two of the rare things on this Earth that give me true gratification and delight.

Lately, I’ve been pondering why God chose to shape my personality in this way, and I reckon that I finally have an answer. The realm my heart has been searching and yearning for all along is none other than Jannah (Paradise), a sanctuary that God promised encompasses unfathomable wonders beyond human imagination and where absolute elation and true peace exist. It strikes me as a merge between the beauty of the natural world and the fantasy of the anime world (except infinitely more astonishing and marvelous)— the perfect place for me. God gave me an innate desire for Jannah, and this is the greatest blessing. I couldn’t be more grateful that I’ve been mostly freed from the control of human urges and attachment to this worldly existence. I can’t imagine living an undisciplined life steered by temporary pleasures that have no ultimate significance.

I have found love in Allah and a home in Jannah. I know from the bottommost depths of my heart that this where I truly belong, hence why my soul will continuously call to it. Don’t get me wrong; I genuinely love life, as life too is a beautiful gift from God, and I have many ambitions to strive for and dreams to realize while I stride on this planet. But I have developed a sense of detachment from this Dunya, and deep inside me resides an eager anticipation for the day I depart and return to my beloved Master and His Paradise— my true eternal dwelling.

Inside Every Person You Know Is a Person You Don’t Know

One thing that really irks me is when I tell someone about a medical condition that I have/had, and they say things like, “You’re just imagining it” or, “Stop looking up your symptoms online and diagnosing yourself” or, “Are you sure?” Let me just make it clear that if I ever outright claim to have a certain condition, it means that I've been officially diagnosed. If I just suspect that I have something, I would say so; I wouldn’t say it as if it’s an undeniable fact. The reason why some people don't believe me when I talk about my experiences is because I've had a lot more hospital experience than the average person my age, and people seem to have a problem comprehending that. Well excuse me for being unique. When it comes to mental health especially, here's what people need to understand— I had frontal lobe epilepsy and a lesion near my left prefrontal cortex, and I had brain surgery to treat it. If you're familiar with neuroscience then you know what the frontal lobe, and specifically the prefrontal cortex, is responsible for. Most of your higher cognitive functions are controlled by this area, including attention, thought processing, emotion regulation, personality expression, problem solving, decision making, and some aspects of memory.

So what do you expect? You tell me how you think this has affected me. It literally screwed me up. I developed an attention deficit, mild forgetfulness, and emotional disturbances, to say the least. I can’t study, focus, think, or remember the way I used to before. I used to be the biggest math and science nerd in the world, and now I can barely do simple arithmetic in my head and I legit count on my fingers at times. I used to be a very practical and somewhat aloof person in the past, but I’ve become highly emotional and expressive, in a way that hinders me and makes people call me dramatic. So you need to realize how ridiculous you sound when you tell me that I'm diagnosing myself. You know what, maybe you're right and I never had epilepsy and just "imagined" the seizures that I had. Maybe I'm not quite so sure whether I actually had brain surgery. Maybe I don't actually have an attention deficit and just "diagnosed myself" and somehow prescribed ADHD medication for myself. Maybe my generalized anxiety disorder was all in my head and I dreamed the CBT sessions that I had.

Here's one thing you need to drill into your head: you don't know me. Period. You think you do, but I can guarantee that everything I've ever told you about myself or you've heard from somewhere or you’ve somehow figured out on your own is no more than 50% of who I am. There will always be more things that I'm hiding, and you'd be shocked to hear them. You didn't grow up with me, you didn't spend every second of your life with me, you don't know what I've been through, and you don't know what goes on inside my mind. You’re not an expert on my life, my experiences, and my thoughts. People are more complicated than you think, and you never truly know a person. So stop making assumptions and judgments about people when you don't (and never will) know their full story. It's honestly hilarious how people try to tell me that my struggles aren't real, when they don't have the slightest clue what those struggles even are. Just like I’ll never genuinely know how it feels like to experience your difficulties (and I don’t try to pretend that I do), you’ll never know how it feels like to experience mine. You don’t know the dread of losing control over your muscles and having them twitch and convulse involuntarily, or your eyes rolling up and losing your vision and all your sensations, or thinking that you're dying as you forcefully plummet into unconsciousness. You don’t know the post-surgery pain you suffer after having your scalp torn apart and skull cracked open and being immobile for a few days. You don’t know the frustration and exhaustion of persistent insomnia and consequent throbbing headaches. You don’t know the agony of having constant digestive issues since a very young age.

And I'm not complaining; I love my life and all the challenges that I face. I wholeheartedly embrace them, and if I had the choice to go back in time and never experience them, I wouldn’t do it. I’m fully aware that my hardships are nothing compared to the hardships of 90% of the people in the world. I admit that I’m a spoiled brat who lives in the wealth and under the protection of her parents, in a safe bubble of sunshine and rainbows, with no real responsibilities in life. But guess what? So are most of the people around me. Funny how some of these people trivialize my problems but then act as if their own are the most grave in the universe. At least I admit that I don’t yet know the adversities of the real world out there, and I'm grateful for my blessings and recognize that I'm one of the luckiest people on the planet and that most people have it far worse than I do. Trust me; no one knows gratitude the way I do. I always see the positive and bright side of things and compare myself to those who are less fortunate than me. Yet at the same time, I never belittle the concerns of other people like they do mine, even when they might seem silly or less serious than mine. So please, we need to have more empathy and acknowledge that there’s always more to a person than we think. Inside every person you know is a person you don’t know.

Fear That Racks My Brain, Thoughts That Drive Me Insane: My Story with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

I decided that I want to be transparent and open about my mental health experiences. There is so much stigma surrounding mental health, and I want to help eradicate that. The more we talk about mental health, the more we break that barrier and demonstrate that everybody goes through mental and emotional issues and that it’s absolutely acceptable and even encouraged to talk about them and seek help if need be. Why is it easy to address diabetes but difficult to bring up depression? Why is it normal to discuss cancer but shameful to talk about schizophrenia? No one should feel the need to hide a psychological problem that they’re having in fear that others will make fun of them or shun them for it. I want to raise more awareness regarding mental health and share some insight and inspiration. So, screw the stigma and screw ignorant people’s opinions. With no shame or embarrassment whatsoever, I present to you my personal story with generalized anxiety disorder.

First, let me respond to people who say, “But everybody experiences anxiety.” Yes, everyone experiences anxiety, but not everyone experiences anxiety DISORDER. There’s a difference. Anxiety is a normal physiological response to stimuli that require your focus and drive to increase. You might be anxious while giving a speech in front of a large audience. You might be stressed during an exam. You might be alarmed if you lose your wallet. You might panic if you slip on the stairs. Anxiety is beneficial sometimes, because it raises your level of alertness. It’s an alarm system— a mechanism that your body uses to elevate your attention and energy in order for you to react quickly under certain circumstances. Therefore, it’s completely normal to encounter anxiety every now and then, in situations that call for it. However, in some people, this normal biological function goes haywire. When your anxiety is too high and is stimulated repeatedly, to a point where it affects your ability to function psychologically, socially, and academically/occupationally, that’s when it turns into a disorder. When your anxiety is triggered senselessly by stimuli that normally shouldn’t cause anxiety, that’s when it becomes problematic.   

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder in the summer of 2016, around two and a half years ago. My neuropsychologist recommended that I receive therapy, but the academic year was starting and I was heading back to Egypt, so I decided that I had no time for it. Plus, I thought that counseling was useless and that my anxiety was no big deal. I thought that I could cope with it on my own, and I couldn’t have been more wrong. About one year later (summer of 2017), I saw a psychiatrist for another problem (this is another story for another time). Although I was seeking help for my attention deficit and not my anxiety, my psychiatrist told me that I would have to treat my anxiety as well, as it was significantly contributing to my inattention. Mental health is not black and white; it’s interconnected so that different mental problems and disorders interplay, affect each other, and lead to one another. This is why there are high rates of comorbidity (for example, autism is often times associated with social anxiety, and depression is frequently seen in borderline personality disorder). My anxiety and attention deficit aggravated each other and had me trapped in a vicious circle. The more anxious I became, the more I couldn’t concentrate; and the more I couldn’t concentrate, the more frustrated and anxious I became. Therefore, they both kept worsening and I was stuck in this downward spiral for a long time. Thus my psychiatrist prescribed Strattera (atomoxetine)— a selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI), which targets both ADHD symptoms and anxiety. Although this medication improved my ability to concentrate, it did not alleviate my anxiety. Psychotherapy is considered a fundamental part of the treatment for generalized anxiety disorder, and medication alone isn’t enough. But I didn’t want therapy; I just wanted medication to help me concentrate and didn’t care about treating the underlying problems. I didn’t take my anxiety seriously until it slowly and subtly made its way deeper into my subconscious and took complete control of me. My illogical anxious response to every event became such a deep-rooted part of my mind that I didn’t even notice its abnormality until I reached the worst of it and sat there one day, analyzing how my thought patterns had changed over the years, realizing that something was utterly wrong, and wondering how I could’ve possibly reached such a point.

My anxiety arrived at its peak last year. During every situation, I automatically panicked and assumed the worst case scenario, without thinking rationally through all the different possibilities first. I remember every time my bedroom floor creaked, I thought that the ground would collapse and that I would fall through and die. And even though my floorboards creaked often and nothing like the floor splitting or me falling ever happened, I didn’t become desensitized to it. It didn’t change my reaction, even though I should’ve come to the realization that there was an extremely low chance of that occurring. But anxiety knows no logic. Every single time the floor made a sound, I still jumped to the same conclusion and the fright still rushed through me, no less than before.

Another thing that triggered my anxiety is my dogs barking. Everybody knows that dogs bark all the time, at anything and everything. A cat dashing by. Someone walking along. The neighbor’s dog. While playing. Whatever it is, they just love to bark. However, every time my dogs did bark, again I would leap to highly unreasonable assumptions. What if someone forgot to fill their water bowls and they’re dehydrating and dying?! What if one of the puppies got his head stuck in the gate again and has been trapped there for hours?! It’s all the endless “what ifs” of generalized anxiety disorder that drive a person mad. Of course I had to go and check on the dogs every time. Even when I did try to reason with myself and tell myself that I was probably getting alarmed unnecessarily, the uneasiness wouldn’t go away until I made sure that they were okay. One time back when Neo was still a little puppy, he tried eating from Ace’s bowl so Ace bit him. Neo began screeching, and I thought that he was dying. At first I just panicked and screamed along with him, but when I got myself a bit together, I picked him up and ran to my sister, shrieking at the top of my lungs, “ACE KILLED NEO! ACE KILLED NEO!” In the end he turned out to be completely fine, not even a scratch on him. 

I can’t describe how much anxiety my sister’s alarm tone gave me. On the weekends, whenever I heard it, and my sister wouldn’t wake up and turn it off, I would genuinely think that she was dead. Even though she never turns it off right away and it always keeps ringing for a while, I still couldn’t shake off the concern until I went to her room and confirmed that she was alive and well. Then there were plane flights. I’ve been travelling since I was a baby, riding airplanes at least twice a year. Since I grew up flying often, planes never scared me before. Yet for the first time in my life, they filled me with dread. I suddenly found myself panicking during flights, thinking that the plane might crash. This is how my life was like, always filled with constant and excessive apprehension. I overthought everything that occurred throughout the day and couldn’t stop worrying over the most minor matters.

But it reached an even more severe level. Eventually, I started creating the most bizarre and unrealistic scenarios in my head based on petty, insignificant conversations that I had with people or trivial, irrelevant events that happened to me. In my mind, I would think about a certain thing over and over until I exaggerated it and invented this entire ridiculous story that I would believe was going to happen. For example, one time I thought that this person at my university was furious with me because of something that I did. It was very silly and groundless, but my anxiety made it seem like a big deal. I imagined that this person was going to confront me the next day, and I even predicted and planned the entire argument we were going to have. I thought that it was going to turn into this major drama, and we would yell at each other and cause a scene in the middle of the campus. I even prepared for a physical fight, no joke. None of it happened, of course.

The most absurd scenario my brain came up with was when I thought that my brother was angry at my sister. As usual my mind blew it up until I perceived it as huge trouble. You’ll probably think that I’m crazy when you read this, but this is the honest truth of what went on inside my head. I really had gone nuts. The situation kept growing wilder in my mind until it turned into something out of a movie. I legit thought that my brother was planning on getting rid of my sister somehow and was most likely trying to kill her without letting anyone find out. He was a resident doctor at the time, so I imagined that he would get his hands on a lethal drug from the hospital, bring it home, and inject my sister with it. I know that it sounds insane, but I was seriously 90% convinced that it was real. It was on the verge of turning into a psychotic delusion. The next day both my brother and sister had the day off, but I had to go to university. I was sure that my brother was going to make his move. I was shaking with fear the entire day and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I thought that I would go home to find my sister dead. I even devised a plan in case that happened. I told myself that my brother thought that I wasn’t aware of his plot and would try to make me believe that my sister died a natural death, but I knew the truth. I planned to go to a friend’s house and call my parents from there and tell them everything (they weren’t in Egypt at the time). I couldn’t do it from my phone because I thought that my brother had tapped it for sure. When I got home after university, I could barely turn the keys in my door from all the trembling in my hands. I was ready for the worst. When I rushed upstairs and saw my sister, alive and perfectly normal, I breathed the biggest sigh of relief in my life. I know that this all sounds preposterous, and even I laugh when I think about it. But back then it was no laughing matter. To me, it was a very grave issue.

After all that madness, that’s when it hit me that I was losing my mind. I told myself, hold on just a minute. Stop and think. On what basis did I conclude that my brother would kill my sister? How and why would he ever do such a thing? I started backtracking and tracing my thoughts all the way back to where and how they started, and that’s when I realized that it was all in my head. That’s when I grasped that I had made it all up and that there was no real foundation for it. It really scared me that my mind had reached such insanity. From that day on I decided to be careful, to monitor my thoughts, and to catch myself before I turned psychotic. I also decided that I would get treatment as soon as I finished the semester and summer began.

I had cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) sessions for generalized anxiety disorder this past summer. They helped me significantly, and I no longer consider myself a sufferer of generalized anxiety disorder. I won’t deny that there are still times when I feel anxious for no good reason and times when I get crazy, irrational thoughts. But I no longer believe them or act on them. I use the techniques that I learned in my therapy to immediately think my way out of them. I’m improving everyday, and I know that eventually, I’ll completely overcome my anxiety. I know that one day, I’ll be 100% free from its terrifying clutch.

Precious Moments of My Day

I love my life and find delight in every second of it. But there are certain moments that I cherish the most. These are always my favorite times of the day.  

1. Enjoying my breakfast while watching the sun slowly creep up in the sky and decorate the world with its golden rays, and listening to my daily motivation audio which gives me the drive I need to kick off the day. Nothing beats the bliss I feel in the early morning when I’m up before sunrise, buzzing with vigor, ahead of the game and eager to begin my day while most people on this side of the Earth are still snoring in bed. 

2. Saying good morning to my dogs. They’re the most bothersome creatures in existence yet I adore them with every ounce of my being, as they give me all the warmth and affection I need. I can’t describe the joy and love I experience when I squish Ace’s head between my hands and smother him with kisses as he continues to give me a cold stare but then puffs with jealousy when I ignore him and give the others attention; when stupid, happy-go-lucky Luna repeatedly jumps on me and tries to lick my face and shaking her off doesn’t make her budge; when Neo tries to imitate Ace by acting tough and bullying poor Loki so I scold him but he looks at me with those innocent eyes that make me want to hug him forever; when Loki gets upset and sprints to his cage and I follow him and tell him that he’s my favorite because we both have introverted personalities— we’re both lone wolves who will never truly belong to a pack; when little Iris, the most annoying and savage of them all, refuses to shut up and constantly lets out her earsplitting, high-pitched barks and follows me around and doesn’t cease to attack me with her deadly bites. I get so frustrated at them and my voice goes almost hoarse from all the yelling, but on the inside I’m filled with pure glee. These are the adventures I have every morning with this furry family of mine.

3. Munching on a protein bar and checking out my progress in the mirror (flexing hard and trying to convince myself that I’m buff although I know I still have a long way to go) after a good, exhilarating, mood-boosting workout and feeling satisfied, confident, accomplished, energized, and ready to tackle the rest of the day. 

4. Listening to my daily dose of Quran on my way to university to hear what Allah wants to tell me. Every day, Allah has certain messages for me. It always happens that the Ayat I hear on a specific day are relevant to some sort of issue I’m currently having, something that’s been on my mind, or questions that I’ve been pondering. Allah gives me the answers, advice, and reassurance I need. No words can describe the absolute peace of mind and highest level of euphoria I feel inside my heart when Allah’s beautiful, glorious words fill my ears and soul and entire being, and I know that these are the most genuine and awe-inspiring emotional experiences I’ll ever have. It’s always during these moments that I feel the strongest love towards Allah and a sense that I can’t wait to leave this life to meet Him. 

5. Rocking on the swing in my backyard after a long and exhausting day of med school, sipping on my warm, delicious coffee out of my favorite Warrior Cats mug, enjoying the late afternoon sun and crisp November air, and observing the tree branches as they stir in the gentle breeze and the fluffy clouds as they drift across the cerulean sky. This is the most relaxing part of my day, as I take a break before beginning a long evening of studying.  

6. Sitting on my bed at the end of the day, winding down and getting ready to sleep, writing in my diary and reflecting on my day in the dim light of my night lamp. Sometimes, if a full moon is out, I turn off the lamp and draw the curtains open to let the silver moonshine wash over my room, writing in its glimmering light instead. It’s a breathtakingly beautiful sight that makes me feel like I’m in some sort of magical, mystical place.  

7. Last but definitely not least, here’s my favorite time of the weekend and the entire week altogether: when I finally get some free time to watch a few anime episodes and have a chance to escape back into that heavenly realm of mine and forget all the obligations and responsibilities of life, if only for a little bit. Although I really do love every single thing about my life right now, there will always be that escapist, daydreamer part of me that believes that this world is too ordinary and mundane for a person like me, and that I truly belong in a far more thrilling world of action and fantasy. I love blocking out reality for just a couple of hours and diving deep into fiction to live a unique story and experience another exciting adventure with unforgettable characters. It clears my mind and soothes my soul. 

It’s the little, simple things in life that make you a happy. Happiness doesn’t depend on the circumstances of your life or the events happening around you; it depends on your response to them and the way you choose to perceive, interpret and deal with them. The secret to happiness is to appreciate all the small blessings, to relish every single moment, and to give positive meaning to every seemingly insignificant occurrence. I know it might sound cliché but it’s true. Load your heart with love— love for everyone and everything around you. Charge your mind with positivity. Learn to see the beauty in life, in even the tiniest, most trivial things, and allow them to fill you with elation. Just let go, free yourself of troubling thoughts and emotions, and enjoy the present. Live, laugh and love. 

To the Past Me: Don’t Give Up

“If only the past me could see just how joyous, carefree, content and tranquil she would be in the future. How I wish I could travel back in time to urge her to hold on, be patient, and stay strong, to reassure her that life isn’t over, that every wound would heal and every battle would be won, that there are so many beautiful things yet to be experienced and so many blissful times to come, that there is so much good left in the world, and that she would once again reclaim her spot as the happiest person on the planet.”

-Nora Ammar

Life, Love, Happiness, Freedom, and Peace in One Word: God

After I returned from Hajj around two months ago, I made a decision to transform completely. I changed in innumerable aspects, but perhaps the most apparent of them is the way I dress. I sincerely appreciate that most people have been supportive and have given me such lovely compliments, but I’m also aware of the weird and even judgmental glances some others have casted in my direction (not that it makes an ounce of a difference to me). A few asked me why I changed my dressing style and wear these abayas now. The answer to this question requires a long, deep and elaborative response, but the short, simple answer is this: because I truly love God, more than anyone and anything this life and this world has to offer.   

The past three years of my life were the most unstable and difficult years I’ve had. During this time I went on a mental and spiritual journey to regain a happiness I had lost. Every time I thought I had found it and that the light had finally shone on my life again, it wouldn’t last, as I would be plunged back into darkness soon afterwards. It happened over and over and over, with me losing a little more hope every time. I kept pinning my hopes on different things, but almost everyone and everything proved to bring me pain. The light at the end of the tunnel only appeared when I finally established a strong connection to God.

The mistake I made is that I kept depending on certain things I shouldn’t have depended on for my happiness. Certain people. Certain places. Certain times. Certain activities. Certain goals. You see, all these things are transient and unguaranteed. All these things could be taken away at any moment. People could leave you, move away, or pass away. Imagine that someone you love dies. Does your happiness die with them? You could be forced to leave a certain place, or you could return to it to find that it has changed and will never be the same dear place you remember. Imagine that you have no option but to leave your hometown for a job opportunity. Does your happiness leave you with it? Imagine that the city of your dreams is obliterated by an earthquake. Is your happiness obliterated with it? Times are always evolving, and yesterday is never quite the same as today, just like tomorrow will never be quite the same as today. Imagine that tomorrow brings bad news, or that the good old days of a specific phase in your life are gone. Is your happiness gone with them? A particular activity could become something that you can no longer practice. Imagine that you are injured in an accident and can never play the sport that you’re passionate about again. Is your happiness over? One of your ambitions could become unattainable to you. Imagine that your dream was to become a singer but you develop vocal cord paralysis. Does your happiness end there? I came to the realization that everything in life— and life itself— is temporary. Nothing ever lasts. Everything has a beginning and an end.

Except God. God is the one and only permanent and eternal Being. When your source of happiness is something impermanent, then once it’s gone, so is your happiness. But when your source of happiness is God, it will persist forever. No matter what you lose, no matter who goes away, as long as you have God, you’re satisfied. I’m not saying that you can’t love certain individuals, pastimes and places, or that you can’t have goals and dreams, and that they can’t provide you with joy. Of course not. Spending time with your family and friends pleases you? That’s awesome. Playing basketball is something that brings you thrill? Great. You have a passion for medicine and your dream is to become a successful doctor? Good for you. All these things can bring a smile to your face, of course. However, you can’t rely on them as your ultimate source of ecstasy. While you may derive pleasure and delight from them, you must understand and accept that they can vanish in an instant, and if they do, that doesn’t mean that your sense of contentment has to vanish along with them. You could be miserable and devastated for a while, but at the end of the day you recognize that it is God who brings true elation and that just because these things are gone doesn’t mean that your life is over. God will bring other people and things into your life that will make you experience glee again.    

I can’t possibly count the number of times God has given me a miracle and the number of times He has saved me. There were times when I was in utter despair, and I could only cry and beg God for miracles— miracles that I didn’t even think were possible. And guess what? He granted me miracles. He answered my prayers. He gave me more than I could’ve ever asked for. Every single time. He gave me everything. He gave me life and love and bliss. Isn’t it enough that every milliliter of blood my heart pumps is at His command, every molecule of oxygen my lungs breathe is at His command, trillions of biochemical reactions in my body occur every second at His command, and every single cell in my body is alive at His command? I don’t think people really ponder this, but they should. Do you understand the magnitude of what God really does for us? A single malfunction could occur in your body at any second that could give you a disease or kill you. But you are kept healthy and alive by His will. Isn’t it enough that He has given me a comfortable life, good health, a loving family, more than enough food, shelter, safety, a good education, and access to healthcare? What more do I want?

Not to mention that God directs our lives and fates in ways that we could never even begin to imagine. Have you ever tried to connect the dots in your life and understand how things would’ve been drastically different if this certain event hadn’t happened or if you hadn’t gone through that particular experience? Every little thing that happens in your life happens for a reason. God made you run into this specific person because they would have a positive influence on you. He made you start that career because it would change your life. Even things that might seem random are not. He made you not feel hungry on that specific day because the food at the gathering you went to was spoiled. Even the things that are apparently bad for you at first turn out to be good later, whether you realize it or not. He made you go through this pain so that you could become stronger. He made you miss that flight because the plane would crash. He made you get rejected by this university because the other one would be better for you. He made you ill on that day because an unpleasant incident would’ve happened to you at school. Literally every little seemingly irrelevant occurrence in your life is meant to play a certain role and have a certain effect on you. Perhaps most people don’t notice these things because they’re not deeply reflective the way I am. But I see God in my life everyday, in everything. Bear in mind that this is only a tiny fraction of what He provides us with; these are only the things that we know of. 99.9999999999% of the blessings that God bestows upon us are things that we’re not even aware of. Knowing this, how could I not be grateful? How could I not love Him? How could I possibly disobey Him, or at the very least not feel extreme guilt and shame when I do? God gives us so much and only asks very little of us. What He asks of us is nothing compared to what He gives us. We owe Him everything, yet we can’t even obey His simple commands. And it’s not like what He asks of us benefits Him in any way; in the end it’s for our own good, whether we understand why or not. I made a vow to God that I would change, and I have. I’m never breaking that vow. Life is the ultimate test and I’m not going to fail it. I’m never going back now.    

Words can’t describe how glad and comfortable I am to wear abayas. People might say that hijab restricts freedom, but it doesn’t. If you think you’re “free” and wear what you want, think again. What you believe is what you want is not actually what you want; it’s what the fashion industry wants. Let’s be real here. You’re not wearing those Nikes because out of the all the shoes in the world, they happen to be the ones that you like or find most comfortable. You’re only wearing them because they’re Nikes. You’re only wearing those jeans because everyone else wears them. You’re only carrying that purse because it’s the latest trend. You’re only wearing that dress because the media brainwashed you into thinking that you look gorgeous in it. You only have that outfit on because you’re trying to impress someone. You see, whether you like it or not, whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you acknowledge it or deny it, the media and fashion trends shape what you “want” to wear, on some level of your subconscious or conscious. They determine what you consider to be beautiful or ugly. Yes, you’re brainwashed by all the content you’re exposed to and what you take in on a daily basis. And this doesn’t just apply to clothes; this is true for everything in life. You’re not free; you’re a slave of the media and of society and of bandwagons and of people. If I’m going to be a slave of someone or something anyway, then I’d rather be a slave of God.

Even if you truly do what you want, you’re still a slave of your own desires. You give in to them and allow them to lead your life. You don’t control your desires; your desires control you. These yearnings are a weakness God put inside of us. You're weak against them. You can't resist their temptation even when you know they're bad for you. Just look at the unhealthy food you can't stop eating and the cigarettes you can't stop smoking and the alcohol you can't stop drinking. Just look at the toxic relationship you can't end because of your attachment to that person. Just look at the girl or guy you can't stop chasing because of your desperate longing for them. Just look at the bad habits you can't get rid of and the addictions and obsessions you can't free yourself of. Desires chain you, and your love for God and willingness to obey Him sets you free and makes you strong against them. You’re not even aware that most of the time these cravings aren’t even really your own thoughts but merely the whisperings of Satan (you just can’t tell the difference), which means you’re only fulfilling Satan’s wishes.

I’ve confirmed that following my desires leads me nowhere and ultimately destroys me. I’ll wear what God wants me to wear, because what God wants has become what I want. I’d rather submit to His will than succumb to my own yearnings. Because the truth is, God knows us better than we know ourselves. You think you know what’s good for you but most of the time, you really don’t. Obeying God is what grants you true freedom; you don’t have to blindly follow the crowds anymore, you don’t have to worry about your appearance and reputation anymore, and you don’t have to impress this person and that person anymore. All you have to worry about is pleasing God and no one else. If that’s not ultimate freedom and peace of mind then I don’t know what is. Plus, I genuinely do feel happier and more comfortable like this. I love abayas. In a society where women have become sexually objectified, I feel more empowered covering up. Now you can no longer judge me by my physique or appearance; you can only judge me based on my character. I don’t want people to notice, analyze, or comment on my body, especially since I started working out. I want to feel like I work out for my own health and fitness and out of honest love for it and not just to build a more attractive body and show it off like most people do. I don’t want to try to get attention from people; I want to try to earn God’s love instead. If people think you’re beautiful, yes it’s flattering; but if God thinks you’re beautiful, it’s the greatest honor.    

I know that some of my friends are not happy with the new me, and that’s fine by me. I don’t expect everyone to understand. I can talk about God and religion for the next ten years, but the truth is that people will only truly understand when they reach the level of faith that I have reached. This is something that can’t be taught or passed on; this is something that you must experience on your own in order to grasp. I know that I’m on the right path and that I have changed for the better. I’m a far happier, stronger, healthier, more confident, and more tranquil person now. I’m a more forgiving, respectful, polite, and honest person now. And I aspire to become kinder, more generous, more loving, and pure-hearted. To me, religion isn’t just some sort of obligation like it is for a lot of people. It’s a way of life and a means of developing a genuine relationship with God. I don’t pray just because I have to and to get it over with like most people do; I pray to speak to God. I don’t read the Quran just because it’s some sort of task I have to complete and get out of the way; I read it because God speaks to me through it. Life is a journey to God, and I know for a fact that God made me go through all these experiences so I could find Him. I couldn’t be more grateful. Being who I am today is worth all the suffering. 

At the end of the day everyone has the personal freedom to decide how they dress. Just like you're free to wear what you want, so am I. Just like I don't judge you for the way you decide to dress, please don't judge me for the way I decide to dress. Mind your own business like I do mine. I’m not posting this to convince you of my views, nor am I asking you to agree with any point I’ve stated. I’m not looking for an argument or a debate. You’re free to disagree with me, and you’re entitled to your own opinion. I’m aware that people tend to judge religious people because they assume that they’re all close-minded and hateful of others. But that’s not necessarily true. I promise you that I’m very empathetic, understanding, and accepting of others. So I ask you in return to please not judge me. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for what I do with my life, but I’m only sharing this in an attempt to make you understand why I changed the way I did. So please, respect my personal choices like I would respect yours.