The past three years of my life were
the most unstable and difficult years I’ve had. During this time I went on a
mental and spiritual journey to regain a happiness I had lost. Every time I
thought I had found it and that the light had finally shone on my life again,
it wouldn’t last, as I would be plunged back into darkness soon afterwards. It
happened over and over and over, with me losing a little more hope every time.
I kept pinning my hopes on different things, but almost everyone and everything
proved to bring me pain. The light at the end of the tunnel only appeared when I
finally established a strong connection to God.
The mistake I made is that I kept depending
on certain things I shouldn’t have depended on for my happiness. Certain
people. Certain places. Certain times. Certain activities. Certain goals. You
see, all these things are transient and unguaranteed. All these things could be
taken away at any moment. People could leave you, move away, or pass away. Imagine
that someone you love dies. Does your happiness die with them? You could be
forced to leave a certain place, or you could return to it to find that it has
changed and will never be the same dear place you remember. Imagine that you
have no option but to leave your hometown for a job opportunity. Does your
happiness leave you with it? Imagine that the city of your dreams is
obliterated by an earthquake. Is your happiness obliterated with it? Times are
always evolving, and yesterday is never quite the same as today, just like tomorrow
will never be quite the same as today. Imagine that tomorrow brings bad news,
or that the good old days of a specific phase in your life are gone. Is your
happiness gone with them? A particular activity could become something that you
can no longer practice. Imagine that you are injured in an accident and can
never play the sport that you’re passionate about again. Is your happiness
over? One of your ambitions could become unattainable to you. Imagine that your
dream was to become a singer but you develop vocal cord paralysis. Does your
happiness end there? I came to the realization that everything in life— and
life itself— is temporary. Nothing ever lasts. Everything has a beginning and
an end.
Except God. God is the one and only
permanent and eternal Being. When your source of happiness is something impermanent,
then once it’s gone, so is your happiness. But when your source of happiness is
God, it will persist forever. No matter what you lose, no matter who goes away,
as long as you have God, you’re satisfied. I’m not saying that you can’t love
certain individuals, pastimes and places, or that you can’t have goals and dreams,
and that they can’t provide you with joy. Of course not. Spending time with
your family and friends pleases you? That’s awesome. Playing basketball is
something that brings you thrill? Great. You have a passion for medicine and
your dream is to become a successful doctor? Good for you. All these things can
bring a smile to your face, of course. However, you can’t rely on them as your
ultimate source of ecstasy. While you may derive pleasure and delight from
them, you must understand and accept that they can vanish in an instant, and if
they do, that doesn’t mean that your sense of contentment has to vanish along
with them. You could be miserable and devastated for a while, but at the end of
the day you recognize that it is God who brings true elation and that just
because these things are gone doesn’t mean that your life is over. God will
bring other people and things into your life that will make you experience glee
again.
I can’t possibly count the number of
times God has given me a miracle and the number of times He has saved me. There
were times when I was in utter despair, and I could only cry and beg God for miracles— miracles that I didn’t even think were possible. And guess what? He
granted me miracles. He answered my prayers. He gave me more than I could’ve
ever asked for. Every single time. He gave me everything. He gave me life and
love and bliss. Isn’t it enough that every milliliter of blood my heart pumps
is at His command, every molecule of oxygen my lungs breathe is at His command,
trillions of biochemical reactions in my body occur every second at His
command, and every single cell in my body is alive at His command? I don’t
think people really ponder this, but they should. Do you understand the
magnitude of what God really does for us? A single malfunction could occur in
your body at any second that could give you a disease or kill you. But you are
kept healthy and alive by His will. Isn’t it enough that He has given me a comfortable
life, good health, a loving family, more than enough food, shelter, safety, a
good education, and access to healthcare? What more do I want?
Not to mention that God directs our
lives and fates in ways that we could never even begin to imagine. Have you
ever tried to connect the dots in your life and understand how things would’ve been
drastically different if this certain event hadn’t happened or if you hadn’t gone
through that particular experience? Every little thing that happens in your
life happens for a reason. God made you run into this specific person because
they would have a positive influence on you. He made you start that career
because it would change your life. Even things that might seem random are not. He
made you not feel hungry on that specific day because the food at the gathering
you went to was spoiled. Even the things that are apparently bad for you at
first turn out to be good later, whether you realize it or not. He made you go
through this pain so that you could become stronger. He made you miss that
flight because the plane would crash. He made you get rejected by this
university because the other one would be better for you. He made you ill on
that day because an unpleasant incident would’ve happened to you at school.
Literally every little seemingly irrelevant occurrence in your life is meant to
play a certain role and have a certain effect on you. Perhaps most people don’t
notice these things because they’re not deeply reflective the way I am. But I
see God in my life everyday, in everything. Bear in mind that this is only a tiny
fraction of what He provides us with; these are only the things that we know
of. 99.9999999999% of the blessings that God bestows upon us are things that we’re
not even aware of. Knowing this, how could I not be grateful? How could I not
love Him? How could I possibly disobey Him, or at the very least not feel
extreme guilt and shame when I do? God gives us so much and only asks very
little of us. What He asks of us is nothing compared to what He gives us. We
owe Him everything, yet we can’t even obey His simple commands. And it’s not
like what He asks of us benefits Him in any way; in the end it’s for our own good,
whether we understand why or not. I made a vow to God that I would change, and
I have. I’m never breaking that vow. Life is the ultimate test and I’m not
going to fail it. I’m never going back now.
Words can’t describe how glad and
comfortable I am to wear abayas. People might say that hijab restricts freedom,
but it doesn’t. If you think you’re “free” and wear what you want, think again.
What you believe is what you want is not actually what you want; it’s what the
fashion industry wants. Let’s be real here. You’re not wearing those Nikes
because out of the all the shoes in the world, they happen to be the ones that
you like or find most comfortable. You’re only wearing them because they’re
Nikes. You’re only wearing those jeans because everyone else wears them. You’re
only carrying that purse because it’s the latest trend. You’re only wearing
that dress because the media brainwashed you into thinking that you look gorgeous
in it. You only have that outfit on because you’re trying to impress someone. You
see, whether you like it or not, whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether
you acknowledge it or deny it, the media and fashion trends shape what you
“want” to wear, on some level of your subconscious or conscious. They determine
what you consider to be beautiful or ugly. Yes, you’re brainwashed by all the
content you’re exposed to and what you take in on a daily basis. And this
doesn’t just apply to clothes; this is true for everything in life. You’re not
free; you’re a slave of the media and of society and of bandwagons and of
people. If I’m going to be a slave of someone or something anyway, then I’d
rather be a slave of God.
Even if you truly do what you want, you’re
still a slave of your own desires. You give in to them and allow them to lead
your life. You don’t control your desires; your desires control you. These
yearnings are a weakness God put inside of us. You're weak against them. You
can't resist their temptation even when you know they're bad for you. Just look
at the unhealthy food you can't stop eating and the cigarettes you can't stop
smoking and the alcohol you can't stop drinking. Just look at the toxic
relationship you can't end because of your attachment to that person. Just look
at the girl or guy you can't stop chasing because of your desperate longing for
them. Just look at the bad habits you can't get rid of and the addictions and
obsessions you can't free yourself of. Desires chain you, and your love for God
and willingness to obey Him sets you free and makes you strong against them. You’re
not even aware that most of the time these cravings aren’t even really your own
thoughts but merely the whisperings of Satan (you just can’t tell the
difference), which means you’re only fulfilling Satan’s wishes.
I’ve confirmed that following my desires
leads me nowhere and ultimately destroys me. I’ll wear what God wants me to
wear, because what God wants has become what I want. I’d rather submit to His
will than succumb to my own yearnings. Because the truth is, God knows us
better than we know ourselves. You think you know what’s good for you but most
of the time, you really don’t. Obeying God is what grants you true freedom; you
don’t have to blindly follow the crowds anymore, you don’t have to worry about
your appearance and reputation anymore, and you don’t have to impress this
person and that person anymore. All you have to worry about is pleasing God and
no one else. If that’s not ultimate freedom and peace of mind then I don’t know
what is. Plus, I genuinely do feel happier and more comfortable like this. I
love abayas. In a society where women have become sexually objectified, I feel
more empowered covering up. Now you can no longer judge me by my physique or
appearance; you can only judge me based on my character. I don’t want people to
notice, analyze, or comment on my body, especially since I started working out.
I want to feel like I work out for my own health and fitness and out of honest love
for it and not just to build a more attractive body and show it off like most
people do. I don’t want to try to get attention from people; I want to try to earn
God’s love instead. If people think you’re beautiful, yes it’s flattering; but
if God thinks you’re beautiful, it’s the greatest honor.
I know that some of my friends are
not happy with the new me, and that’s fine by me. I don’t expect everyone to
understand. I can talk about God and religion for the next ten years, but the
truth is that people will only truly understand when they reach the level of
faith that I have reached. This is something that can’t be taught or passed on;
this is something that you must experience on your own in order to grasp. I
know that I’m on the right path and that I have changed for the better. I’m a
far happier, stronger, healthier, more confident, and more tranquil person now.
I’m a more forgiving, respectful, polite, and honest person now. And I aspire
to become kinder, more generous, more loving, and pure-hearted. To me, religion
isn’t just some sort of obligation like it is for a lot of people. It’s a way
of life and a means of developing a genuine relationship with God. I don’t pray
just because I have to and to get it over with like most people do; I pray to
speak to God. I don’t read the Quran just because it’s some sort of task I have to
complete and get out of the way; I read it because God speaks to me through it.
Life is a journey to God, and I know for a fact that God made me go through all
these experiences so I could find Him. I couldn’t be more grateful. Being who I
am today is worth all the suffering.
At the end of the day everyone has
the personal freedom to decide how they dress. Just like you're free to wear
what you want, so am I. Just like I don't judge you for the way you decide to
dress, please don't judge me for the way I decide to dress. Mind your own
business like I do mine. I’m not posting this to convince you of my views, nor am
I asking you to agree with any point I’ve stated. I’m not looking for an
argument or a debate. You’re free to disagree with me, and you’re entitled to
your own opinion. I’m aware that people tend to judge religious people because
they assume that they’re all close-minded and hateful of others. But that’s not
necessarily true. I promise you that I’m very empathetic, understanding, and
accepting of others. So I ask you in return to please not judge me. I don’t owe
anyone an explanation for what I do with my life, but I’m only sharing this in
an attempt to make you understand why I changed the way I did. So please,
respect my personal choices like I would respect yours.
