I know that all introverts are like this
with varying degrees; well, I happen to be extreme. I'm at the very end of the
extroversion-introversion scale. I genuinely, wholeheartedly believe that I
might be the number one most introverted person on the planet, because I'm
convinced that I can spend the rest of my life having zero unnecessary human
interaction and would be the happiest person ever. I know that they say that
humans are social creatures and that no human can live without building relationships
and forming connections with others, but I think that I'm an eccentric case. People
always tell me that if I did live alone, I would eventually reach a limit where
I would need people. They could be right, but my instincts tell me otherwise. I
sincerely believe that I could live happily in my bubble forever. I know that
there’s a chance I could be wrong, but I’m willing to find out for myself. I’d
rather try it and be mistaken than live the remainder of my life in misery and
regret, wondering and never knowing whether I would’ve been happy being
isolated. Plus, even if I did need people, my family is more than enough for
me. I don’t need a social circle. The reason I’m convinced that I’m meant to be
a lone wolf is because different situations have proved it to me, time and time
again, and will continue to do so. I’ve confirmed it, over and over again, and
always will. The longer I go with minimum contact with people, the happier I
am. The longer I go being social without any breaks to recharge, the more
frustrated and miserable I am. This is one of the truest truths about myself
that I know with absolute certainty.
The longest summer vacation I’ve had
came after I graduated from high school. I had five months off before I began university.
During this summer, I had very limited interactions with people. I spent the
entire summer watching anime, writing, and doing the other things that I love
doing in my own little world. I didn’t go out. I didn’t text. I barely had
conversations with anyone. Therefore, I had no overstimulating thoughts. I
swear on my life that I was the happiest creature to ever set foot on this
Earth during that time. It was the truest bliss I’ve ever experienced. I will
never forget it. I’ll always remember it as one of the happiest summers of my
life, and I’ll always wish to have another summer like it. Unfortunately, life
isn’t that convenient. I’ve formed too many strong bonds with people now that I
have become chained to them. Some of my friends wouldn’t let me go even a week
without communicating with them, as they have become overly attached to our
friendship. Every time I try to get away for just a little bit, they accuse me
of trying to distance myself, not caring about them, or not wanting to spend
time with them. I wish they would understand. I wish they would let me cut off
all contact with them temporarily every year, just over the summers. I wish
they would understand how much I desperately need these breaks in order to
clear my head, declutter my mental space, and recharge my mind.
I live inside my head. There’s an
entire universe in there. Trying to balance between my inner and outer worlds
is too much for me, especially if too many things are going on in my life. I
wish they would let me escape back into that heavenly realm of mine, just for a
little bit. It’s all I ask for. I’m utterly exhausted. I need breaks or else
I’ll lose my mind. When I tell you that I don't want to talk right now, please
understand. When I tell you that I don't want to hang out right now, please
understand. I’m not being a bad friend; this is just who I am— an introvert
with a whole other vibrant world inside my mind. If this really does make me a
bad friend, then I’d rather not be a friend at all. If this is what it costs me
and what I have to sacrifice in order to be a good friend then it’s not worth
it. At this point I’d gladly give up my clingy and demanding friends for
solitude, because that’s just how desperately I need it.
